This morning as I sat quietly before starting my prayer time, I asked myself the same questions I ask myself every day as I enter into prayer: “How do I come?” and “What do I desire?”
Things have been more up in the air than usual for me, and I have so many ideas and projects going on that it feels like someone upended a bag of random thoughts and feelings onto the floor of my heart. So I answered the first question with “Scattered and tired.” The second question I answered with “Order.”
What do you know? I just joined the Five Minute Writing group and today is my first day participating. The word we were to write about for five minutes is “order.”
So, what do I mean when I say I desire order? I’d like for my thoughts to follow some sort of logic, and come to me triaged so that I don’t have to sort through the rubble to get to the most important stuff. I’d like there to be some kind of structure to my world, where I can expect that if I do x I can expect y to happen which will lead to a z outcome.
I’ve had this conversation with God before, especially as it pertains to the myriad of thoughts and ideas vying for attention in my brain. He has said to me “This is how I’ve made you. It is very good. Trust me to bring order out of the chaos as you stay connected to me.”
And there you go. What I really desire is a stronger sense of the presence of Elohim, “the God who brings order out of chaos.”
I really don’t want to sort this out on my own. I have tried and I know how it ends. I truly want to celebrate the way God has made me, and to grow in trust that however crazy things are right now, he has it under control. He knows how to order my thoughts, my priorities, and my steps. He is my order.