So how do you know if you’re living today in the energy of your true self or the false self?
Last week I was in week 19 of the 19th Annotation of the Spiritual Exercises. (Ask me about this if you are interested.) The grace I was asking for during this particular week was “to grow in interior freedom so that I am able to respond whole-heartedly to Christ’s invitation in my life.” I interpreted this as not letting what is going on inside me or around me distract me from intimacy with Christ and therefore affecting my peace and joy. The scripture for the day was John 21:15-19. This was Jesus on the beach with Peter after his resurrection. So much has been written and preached about from this passage, but I am learning to sit and wait for more. And I was not disappointed during this session.
One of the concepts I wrestled with this week and often is that self-giving leads to true freedom and joy. It looks so good on paper and sounds good to the ear. And I intend to live a life like that. But before I know it, I’m holding back and then trying to excuse it. Most of the time, I’m not even aware that an opportunity to practice has just slipped by.
Peter knew what it was like to let an opportunity slip by. Not just once, but three times. No doubt he had been going over it again and again while out fishing that day and it was made worse that he and his partners had caught nothing. Then some guy on the beach makes a remark about where they ought to try fishing next. Skeptical but willing, they hauled in a record load and suddenly Peter realized this is not just some guy on the beach. It is Jesus. So he dove in and swam to shore.
After a nice breakfast prepared by Jesus, things got a bit mellow and Jesus asked Peter those famous “Peter, do you love me” questions. And we recall that Peter responded in the affirmative. Then Jesus issued an unexpected invitation to a fisherman: “Feed my lambs,” followed by several other references to shepherding. Feeding lambs went on to a deeper lifestyle commitment of shepherding sheep. And then another “Follow me,” that must have taken Peter back to earlier days when he followed Jesus without knowing what it would require.
This time, Jesus spelled it out for Peter, to the point of indicating that it would cost his life one day.
Peter’s denial of Jesus may have brought him to the end of himself so that he was now ready to hear Jesus’ invitation to humility and self-giving. I know that I personally am familiar with how it feels to think I would never do this or that, and then finding myself ashamedly on the other side of it needing the healing words of Jesus and another invitation to follow him.
The point here is that Peter would have had the grace to proclaim Christ during his trial, but all was not lost when he denied him instead. In fact, Jesus used Peter’s denial to create a deeper understanding of his need. And a deeper love for the One who would meet that need. How many times in a day do I step out of my true self in Christ and revert to my old, worn-out bag of tricks from the False Self or flesh?
When talking with my Director later that week about how intimacy helps me become aware of which source I am operating out of – Christ in me or my flesh – and how I am alerted to the invitation of Jesus back to my place, she asked me how I receive that invitation. How do I notice it? I mentioned that sometimes he uses a word, a smile, nature, my imagination, a feeling or a smell to draw my attention back to him. These indicators serve as traffic lights to let me know if I am stepping into the street as my true self or depending on my false self.
Wisely, she suggested that I sit in silence and go back to one of the days’ readings to see what Jesus wanted to show me. The passage about Peter came immediately to mind. After we discussed it for a bit, she asked what Jesus used that day to reinstate Peter to his rightful place. And there it was: Jesus used his words, his likely smile as he prepared and served the fish to his friends, the setting of the seaside, and Peter’s imagination about what he knew of shepherding to draw him further into this love affair of discipleship! The emotion of love for Jesus was strong enough to keep him from running away.
Jesus is inviting us – you and me – every day all day long to notice our source of living out this lifestyle of what we call discipleship. It is first of all important to know what your own personal flesh or false self looks like, versus your true nature, the character of Christ in you.
Next, you learn what it is like to notice when he is speaking to you. I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on these things. And remember, if the voice you hear is harsh and condemning, it probably isn’t Jesus who is speaking.