Pay close attention to what happens inside of you when you read this word, “should.”
Is it just me, or is it common to feel a clench in the gut?
When hearing or saying the word in the context of something I feel obliged to do, I feel resistance. Sometimes slight and sometimes glaring. And when I hear it or say it as it relates to someone else, there is an almost undetectable automatic shift toward judgment.
Why is that?
In taking a precursory glance at the origins of the word, “should” was long ago used as another word for “shall,” as in “I should begin my day in a posture of communion with God.” In its original meaning, what I would be saying is that I am making a commitment to ( I shall) begin my day in this way. It is a priority I have set for myself.
Over time, we have begun to use the word in a different way. If I say, “I should begin my day…” a certain way, I am saying there is an obligation. Human beings seem to automatically resist an obligation, especially when doubt is part of the inner dialogue. Adam and Eve first experienced this when Satan challenged the first “shall not.” With doubt about God’s goodness came resistance, and you know the rest of the story.
I have come to have a strong reaction when I hear the word “should.” I think it’s because I lived so much of my life living by the shoulds and should nots, still ending up in a faraway land, eating with the pigs. I became so focused on the lists that I lost life-giving communion with my loving Lord. Now, when I say the word, read it, or hear it said, I immediately stop and ask myself: “Is this an invitation from God or from my false self (flesh)?”
In thinking about offering an example here, I have so many it’s hard to choose! It is part of my personality to have a loud inner critic constantly giving me orders: you should do this, you should not do that; they should and should not. So I’ll just use the most recent situation: writing.
Sometimes I have a strong desire to write and I look forward to sitting down at the computer. Other times, like last week and today, I just found myself circling my desk, staring at it, and finding so many other things to do. Finally, I remembered that if I am resisting something, there is always an invitation behind it. Often, the invitation is to come sit with God and let him show me what’s going on inside me. Other times, I lean into whatever it is that I am resisting and just get it done, finding that I am delighted with the surprise I find along the way.
Today, it was both. God was inviting me to resist my critical voice that tells me I have nothing to say that is helpful, or it won’t be good enough, or no one will read it. I sense him asking me if that’s why I think he wants me to write. And the answer comes: no. Writing is a way that he and I work something out on paper. If others find it helpful, wonderful! I am glorifying him just by interacting with him about a subject that he brings to my mind. Instantly, writing is no longer a “should” but a “could” with an adventurous question mark behind it!
The surprise that came along with it today was understanding the topic better by researching and preparing to write about it. After this process, I still feel a strong resistance to “should” but with a gentler understanding that comes along with looking at it through his eyes of grace.
In case this rambling seems to lead you to conclude that I just don’t like a certain word, I need to clarify. What I hope to inspire you to ponder is that when it comes to a sense of inner resistance, there is almost always a challenge to become curious about what lies behind it. I have said before that no one resists a vacuum. The thing to do when we feel resistance toward someone, something, a word, a passage of scripture, etc., is to pause and ask God to show us something that can be life-giving. Out of that reflection time, we may find ourselves better equipped and inspired to accept or decline the invitation.
Grace Practice for Today: Take notice of the next thing you encounter today that you feel resistance to. Stop and ask God to show you what’s really going on.
To learn a new way of utilizing beads in your prayer practice, join me for my upcoming workshop. Here’s more details: https://www.gracefordays.com/new-events